Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Mission SnowRemoval

Good morning, Mr. Phelps.

The man you are looking at is Edward Snowden, formerly an employee with a contracting firm with this agency. He is now the most notorious criminal ever to have committed treason in the United States. He stole documents that, if in the wrong hands, can impede our crucial anti-terrorist operations and give others the ability to attack this country either by bomb or through cyberspace.

Snowden worked with a journalist in Hong Kong, Mr. Glenn Greenwald, whom you see in the next picture. He first left his place of employment in Hawaii and traveled to Hong Kong where he met Greenwald and released details of The Agency's programs to the press. Following this, Mr. Putin in Russia gave him temporary asylum where he continues to leak information.
(BTW: On a side note - Mr. Putin is currently renovating the International Arrivals Building in Moscow, renaming it to the "World's Criminals Asylum Center" - WCAC", and getting it prepped up to receive Mr's. Assad, Mubarek, and Morsi.)

At this point we do not know the extent of knowledge that other foreign governments have obtained from Mr. Snowden's stolen documents.

Your mission, Jim, should you decide to accept it is to:
  1. Capture Edward Snowden, and bring him back to the U.S. where he can face a jury of his peers.
  2. Retrieve all stolen documents and either bring them back or destroy them.
  3. Find out how much the Chinese, Russians, and possibly other countries have learned from Mr. Snowden
  4. Remove a significant part of Mr. Greenwald's anatomy (get help from the Taliban).

Of course, should you or any of your eye-enforce be either caught, killed, or leaked to Wolf Blitzer, the Director will disavow any knowledge of your actions.

Please do not use Ethan Hunt (a.k.a. Tom Cruise) on your mission. He has repeatedly flunked his Polygraph and speaks a horrible Russian accent.

This Microsoft-Windows based Smartphone will self-destruct in 5 seconds as the viruses take effect.

Good luck, Jim